#Remember way back in Season Three when Santana talked to her grandmother about how exhausting it was for her#to live every day as if she were fighting a war—walking around with her head held high even when she felt low#having to wear armor and guard herself against everything including her own feelings lest she show#any sign of weakness and be taken down for it?#Well the fact is that feeling didn’t entirely disappear from Santana’s life after high school—in fact if anything#it followed Santana straight to New York#Don’t get me wrong: Santana has had some good times living the city life#But by and large? She’s had to maintain that façade of strength from the moment she moved into the Loft#For as much as Santana wants desperately for Hummelberry to be her friends she still hasn’t gotten to a place#where she can be truly vulnerable with them; she still has to maintain a certain poise and invincibility in their presence#She tries to make an inroad towards being vulnerable with Rachel in 5x09 but that decision comes back to bite her#during her and Rachel’s feud. So for the past few weeks leading up to this scene in 5x13 in particular?#Santana has had to be especially defensive just to get by#As the audience we can see that it exhausts her to do so but no one else can—no one except Brittany#What a huge thing it is that the instant Santana drops her guard and allows herself to want what she wants#she snuggles into Brittany’s side and makes herself completely vulnerable#Not only does it show how much she needed the respite but it also shows how much she trusts Brittany—how much#Brittany is her safe place#With Brittany Santana doesn’t have to be hard or mean or guarded#She can be small and soft and know that Brittany will just hold her without judging#That’s what true intimacy is#And for someone like Santana? That’s huge
Sophomore year, I used to sit in this back row and secretly watch you. I counted the number of times you’d smile at me, and I’d die on days that you didn’t.